I used to love to blog. I had even gotten to the point where my thoughts were in blog form!! Randy always encouraged me to blog.
Then, Life got messy. He died. I made a mess of many of my family relationships. It was too painful to be honest in my posts. It’s so much easier to talk a positive talk. Make everything look good. After all, that was a characteristic I had perfected over the years as a “preacher’s wife.” But then, I realized what good was I doing if I couldn’t be honest? Plus, it was slowly making me into a person I really didn’t like.
Randy died in March of 2015. Until the end of 2017 I was unhappy, depressed, confused, – however, it is also a time when I learned – really learned how to depend on God.
Yes, there were many days I didn’t even get out of bed. I just hid out – but I spent much of that time calling on God. Most of the time I didn’t even know what to say to Him. So I just depended on Him understanding my groans – my pain. And he did.
I know the difference in a depression that debilitates and one must depend on medication for it. And then there is a depression that can be controlled and overcome by one experiencing it.
That was me. I knew it was a mindset I needed to change. So….
In January of 2018, I told myself I was done. I was done feeling so sad. I was done staying in bed, I was done being depressed. I chose the word JOY as my word for the year. And then I set out to make changes.
God led me to a life of joy. I still miss Randy terribly BUT I feel joy in my heart and I have a renewed sense of living. I am so grateful for this and so thankful.
Sometimes we really do need to reach the very bottom to begin our way back up.
Thank you to all my friends and family, to my Sisters in Christ who have understood and helped me. – or even if you didn’t understand you still loved me through it.
2018 really has been a joyful year.
Have you thought about your word for 2019?
