It's Hard to be Truthful

Ugh.
I used to love to blog. I had even gotten to the point where my thoughts were in blog form!! Randy always encouraged me to blog.

Then, Life got messy. He died. I made a mess of many of my family relationships. It was too painful to be honest in my posts. It’s so much easier to talk a positive talk. Make everything look good. After all, that was a characteristic I had perfected over the years as a “preacher’s wife.” But then, I realized what good was I doing if I couldn’t be honest? Plus, it was slowly making me into a person I really didn’t like.

Randy died in March of 2015. Until the end of 2017 I was unhappy, depressed, confused, – however, it is also a time when I learned – really learned how to depend on God.

Yes, there were many days I didn’t even get out of bed. I just hid out – but I spent much of that time calling on God. Most of the time I didn’t even know what to say to Him. So I just depended on Him understanding my groans – my pain. And he did.

I know the difference in a depression that debilitates and one must depend on medication for it. And then there is a depression that can be controlled and overcome by one experiencing it.

That was me. I knew it was a mindset I needed to change. So….

In January of 2018, I told myself I was done. I was done feeling so sad. I was done staying in bed, I was done being depressed. I chose the word JOY as my word for the year. And then I set out to make changes.

God led me to a life of joy. I still miss Randy terribly BUT I feel joy in my heart and I have a renewed sense of living. I am so grateful for this and so thankful.

Sometimes we really do need to reach the very bottom to begin our way back up.

Thank you to all my friends and family, to my Sisters in Christ who have understood and helped me. – or even if you didn’t understand you still loved me through it.

2018 really has been a joyful year.

Have you thought about your word for 2019?

Written on April 3, 2015

From my journal on April 3rd
Two weeks ago the love of my life went to be with Jesus.
My beloved husband, Randy Cohorn.
I had him in my life for five years. As my husband for four.
My chest hurts so badly – I can hardly breathe.
He was on this earth too short of time and he was definitely my husband for too short of a time.
I don’t know how this happened. I have no idea why God took him.
I feel as if I can’t function with out him by my side.
I am so very very thankful he was sure of his salvation.  I could see his salvation worked out in his life every day that I knew him.
We were looking forward to many more years together.
I’m scared. I’m hurting and I just want it all to go away.
God is my refuge, He is my strength.
God gives me peace.
He will give me wisdom to carry on.

God, give Randy a hug for me. Reassure him we are leaning on you. Thank you, Amen

Because I am a Woman of God….

I am a child of God. I am a follower of Christ.

Elisabeth Elliot – one of my mentors, my heroine ( why do we not use the word heroine anymore? is it because they named a drug heroine? I just love the way the word feels on my tongue when I say it.) Anyway, Elisabeth Elliot died on June 15, 2015 at the age of 88. She was such a wonderful example of being a follower of Christ in her 88 years.

One of my favorite quotes from her is this:

“The fact that I am a woman does not make me a different kind of Christian but the fact that I am a Christian does make me a different kind of woman.”

On March 21st I entered a new season of my life. This struggle has been just that. A struggle.

Just weeks(?) days(?) after my husband died, I told Pastor Bob (and I’m sure others) that I have no idea what God has for me but I want to be a widow that studies and teaches Bible Studies….  But when it’s time to begin studying, I have no concentration. No “drive” to teach.

Which leads me to this blog, I haven’t been writing here because it all seems so personal and I don’t want to seem like I am begging for sympathy or empathy because I’m not. In fact I often seem to do better without it. So I’ve been jotting in a “real” journal.  But this morning I had a revelation!

I am a Christian.  If I don't use this season of my life to help someone else, then I have utterly failed.   Utterly, completely, totally, absolutely entirely, fully, wholly.

So, I will share my struggles, my joys, my setbacks and my accomplishments. And all the other stuff that comes in the package deal of mourning a loved one.

My journey is not more important, more special than yours – or anyone else's. – Except to me and it is special to me because it is mine and I live it daily.

My goal for 2015 is to make it to the end of the year standing on both feet, my shoulder’s back and my head held high. Being that "different kind of woman because I am a Christian."

My ultimate goal is to help someone else get through their tough days in their important journey with maybe a laugh, a tear, or just an understanding of hurt - knowing that we serve a Great God and He is right here with us on this journey.

My Mom

I’m sure that much of my writing block has been caused by the activities of the last few months.

Mom hadn’t been doing well and my brother and I had been talking to Dad off and on about decisions that would need to be made. These type of decisions are not easy. For Dad or for Raymond and I. Raymond and I spent much of our conversations with each other saying “what should we do?” Our parents are very private people.

Then when she passed away, it all happened so fast. In that - she – we were all blessed. Her suffering was short-lived. Dad having to watch her suffer was – well it was a blessing that it went so quickly.

One thing I kept reminding myself is that we had her 60 years longer than many thought we would. I wrote about my Mom’s story H.E.R.E.

Anyway, I haven’t been able to come to terms about what to write about my Mom. Nothing I can write can explain the complex relationship that I had with her. – Maybe someday God will give me the words to write about the last three months. But not now.

Now I will just post what I said at her funeral.

 
Mom’s Funeral, October 4, 2014

“First of all Dad, Raymond and I and our families want to thank you for coming today and thank you for being a part of Mom’s life at different times over the years.

Over this last week – and I guess throughout my whole life I have heard many statements that begin “Before the wreck, Monie…..” As I was reminiscing these last few days it dawned on me that Mom’s life was defined into two periods. Before the wreck. After the wreck.

Before the wreck, she was vivacious, beautiful, a spitfire, outspoken and outgoing. And she could be a pain! She didn’t always make the right decisions.

After the wreck, she loved her faith. She was vivacious, beautiful, a spitfire, outspoken – outgoing – friendly – so very friendly – never met a stranger. She could still be a pain!! And she made some very good decisions.

She was given a second chance and she never took it for granted.

Her first good decision was that she chose to keep me. She could have let Grandma Elsie raise me. She could have let my grandma Louthan raise me. But at about 17 – 18 after fighting back from horrendous tragedy, she decided to buck up and raise her child alone.

Then, her next really good decision – she picked dad! Now, he may argue that he picked her! But he became the love of her life and her his. Such a good decision.

Then, she made another great decision, this decision was made with Dad so it was doubly blessed – they chose Raymond.

When you look at these 3 decisions, look at her life, the care giving she offered, the way she loved her grandchildren and great grandchildren – how can any one of us look at this beautiful wife and mother and say that her accident, her wreck, was a disaster.

She took all the bad that could happen to a young woman and became better, stronger, and lived a life that she loved.

All of us can learn from the lessons Mom taught us.

Her legacy she left for Raymond and me, for her grandchildren, for her great grandchildren and the memories she left for Dad are more than any of us could have asked.

Wherever family gathers

To laugh, talk, eat

Wherever babies are held

Stories are told

And hugs are shared

Our Mom’s spirit lives on.”

 

Ramona  Doane